Washington, D.C.-Responding to lobyist group SPOA (Southpaws of America), congress passed a resolution adding left handedness to the status of "minority" in affirmative action programs. The government hopes this willend the centuries old discrimination against people who primarily use their left hand. "It is about time the government did something about discrimination in the workplace against left handed workers. People like Tim Smith, who works at this paper store down the street from my office will now have jobs because of things like this."-Sen. Kennedy (D-MA).

Tim Smith, the man Senatr Kennedy was speaking of, had this to say: "Huh? I dn't get it. Is this a joke? How would this help me get a job? I already have a job. I don't think my boss even knows I'm left handed."

Sen. Will Compernolle (L-IL) was the lone dissenting vote in the senate. He reasoned that "Left handedness isn't a disability, a race, an ethnicity, or anythnig that has ever been discriminated against or probably will ever be."

Barbara Boxer (D-CA) thought otherwise. "I remember when I was a kid, I knew this other kid. His name was John...er...Jim...no! It was James. He was going out for the baseball team and was a left handed pitcher. He didn't make the team. Now, we all know he didn't make it because of his minority status. But, you wanna know the reason the coach gave him?! He said that they didn't need anymore left handed pitchers on his team! As if there was a difference between a left handed and right handed pitcher! Pish posh! Thanks to this bill, things like that won't happen."

Randy Johnson, local weird looking guy and Cy Young award winning pitcher, was the only person who testified in front of congress against the bill. "I am a left handed pitcher. I think this is funny. What Senator Boxer and other dumbasses who agree with her don't realize, is that there is a fundamental difference between a left handed pitcher and a right handed one. Anyone who has watched a baseball game knows this."

Many in congress were sent thank you cards from lefties around the globe. Things such as left handed guitars, left handed can openers, and other things found at Ned Flanders' Leftorium were included in the gifts.

Barack Obama (D-IL) loved the bill so much, he decided to sponsor it. "I like this bill!" the senator exclaimed.

The bill, among other things, includes a $500 fine for all employers who give a job to a right handed applicant when a left handed applicant is ready available and applying. As for those who are ambidexterous, they can reap the benefits of both sides.