Motivated by Jason's post about this Missouri Senator's proposal to reduce drunk-driving by selling only warm beer (??!), I decided to drop the good Senator a line.

Now, I don't want to give anyone the impression that I would belittle myself by writing to "beg" any elected ruler to "please" see things my way. I know that trying to influence legislators is a complete waste of time when you think like I do -- like most of us here do: Every request is essentially a request to give up some of that power that every person, once they've acquired it, will fight to defend in order to make the world just a little more like (s)he wants it to be. It's only natural.

I realize that the only way to make a lasting change in favor of freedom is to change the culture; the politicians' policies will follow, and hopefully disappear entirely if I have my w(A)y.

Don't beg the politicians, or bother working for "political" change. Mock them. Demoralize them. Take every opportunity to belittle them as publicly as you can, and to make others see exactly how senseless it is to put our sovereignty in their hands.</rant>
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I saw this issue as a perfect opportunity to do just that: I sent a copy of my letter to Sen. Alter's staff, as well as the editors of every newspaper in Missouri. I realize that my letter will likely not be printed, because most papers have a policy against publishing letters from outside their distribution area...not to mention, my letter is way too long for most reader-response pages. But, the fact is, it will be read by an editor at each of those papers, and the ideas it contains may stick in the minds of each of those editors as they form their own opinions. (This is what we call "meme spreading") That's the true power of writing letters like these.

So, enjoy the letter. I tried to make it fun to read &ndash since that is after all what you're trying to get people to do when you write something! Humor gives "memes" life; it helps them to stick in peoples' minds, and to spread. </lesson>

Now let's see if these memes...

    ...the idea that legislation can be pointless, even if it sounds like it's
    for a good cause

    ...the idea that using legislation to try & solve some problems can lead
    to a need for even more overbearing legislation to achieve the intended result

    ...the idea that the business of senators is only as worthy of our
    submission as the ideas that spring from the minds of fifth-graders

...can find their way out into the "cultural consciousness" of the show-me state.

Dear Senator Alter,

I’m writing you concerning your proposed Senate Bill 763, which would ban the sale of cold beer in order to curb drunk driving. It has occurred to me that your bill, while technically brilliant, is in need of modification in order to achieve its lofty goal:

According to scientific testing performed by the Discovery Channel’s “Mythbusters”, it is possible to chill a warm six pack down to a thirst-quenching 35 degrees in less than five minutes by submerging it in a cooler filled with iced salt-water. This time can be cut in half by instead spraying the bottles with the contents of a dry chemical fire extinguisher, though some clean-up time would be required before consuming the beer in this case. Regardless, each of these methods makes it possible to turn store-bought warm beer into tasty intoxicating cold beer in as little as two miles in afternoon traffic.

I understand that the idea for your proposal was the result of a brainstorming exercise performed by a Jefferson County fifth-grade class. I can understand why you would be tempted to look to fifth-graders for guidance in governing the state of Missouri; after all, the outstanding decision to name the American Bullfrog the official state amphibian during the previous session came at the recommendation of a fourth-grade class in Kansas City. This idea, coming from the efforts of fifth-graders, must be one year better still. However, I think its clear why, in this case, even fifth-graders have their shortcomings:

Fifth-graders have had precious little experience handling or consuming beer. (Even in Missouri.) They simply cannot be expected to understand how quickly and satisfyingly it can be cooled. Thus, they could not have possibly realized that banning either ice or salt-water, as well as all types of dry-chem fire extinguishers, would be a necessary element of any attempt to cut down on drunk driving by imposing a waiting, or "cooling-off" period on the purchase of beer.

I strongly encourage you to immediately amend your proposal to include a ban of these two dangerous and troublesome items. I also hope that this oversight does not discourage you from relying on schoolchildren for direction when crafting future legislation. It is in the end, after all, all for the children.

Yours Most Sincerely,

Crasher sh(A)ne
Minister of Truth for the
Bureaucrash Activist Network